i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
