Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
