We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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