My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
