I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
