The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
