I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
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