I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I need to sanitize my soul.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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