3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
