My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
