I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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