My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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