She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
