Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
