i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
