My sheets look like a crime scene.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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