i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
