I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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