There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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