i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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