i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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