Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
