my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I looked at my own cervix.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
