Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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