Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
NoShamevember. You game?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
