There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
