Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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