We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
