Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
