I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
