TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
