he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I can't put those talents on a resume
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
