Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
