pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
