shes about as inviting as chlamydia
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
