Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
