her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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