Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
