my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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