This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize