Don't make out with my wife yet
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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