Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
