Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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