New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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