if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I met the friendliest cop last night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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