cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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