Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
