Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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