You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
