I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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